May 21, 2008

Trapped like a rat

Yesterday I found myself coupled to the face of the back overhead garage door. “Coupled?” you ask. Yes, there is no auto opener on our back garage and once it is in open mode closing it demonstrates several of Newton’s laws of inertia and mass. It takes considerable force to transition the mass of the door from its resting position. To accomplish that, the general procedure is to grasp the ¾ inch gap between the first and second panel and forcefully pull in a downward motion. Once the door is in motion its weight and the force applied ensures a smooth decent to the closed position.

However, as anyone familiar with overhead door mechanics knows, the gap is a fleeting apparition as the panels make their trek to the full and upright position. With dexterity, a normal person can adjust hand position before that gap disappears encapsulating the tips of aforementioned fingers. As I realized that the critical gapage was fast encasing said fingertips the speed and weight of the door was at first surprising. “What the…” I said moments before the painful realization that I was trapped like a mouse in a trap.
As time and space seemed to slow like a scene out of “The Matirx” my mind, in a split second of lucidity, pondered a way to extricate myself from the situation. If anyone should find themselves in such a similar position I offer the following procedure. Step A: Yell “god damn” at the top of your lungs. This has two purposes. It alerts a loved one that you are in need of assistance in the event that Step B is unsuccessful and it also alerts the adrenal gland to supply a sufficient injection of hormone to yank free the set of digits of your dominate hand. Step B: With that parital victory you will momentarily regain your composure long enough to slow the motion of the descending door. Step C: With your one free hand and one foot (foot choice is optional here) you can reverse the direction of travel a sufficient distance to retrieve your now purple appendages. Step D. Install a frigging handle on the door before you smash your fingers.

This has been a public service announcement from the CR Salmon. “Enduring life’s pains, so you don’t have to.”

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